Spirals.support

Spirals.support

Spirals.support

a LifeLine for my Super Cuz

Downward Spiral ↓ Upward Spiral ↑

A glass of water saved my life. I attempted suicide. I jumped off a bridge. I broke my neck and my hips. I could not drink anything for months. When I finally was able to drink a glass of water it was the sweetest most wonderful pleasure I have ever experienced. I had no idea that the downward spiral would ever stop. I got so low that there was only way to go from that dark place…up. If I had any idea that a glass of water could make life worth living, I would not have believed it.

Desertification is the process by which fertile land becomes desert, typically as a result of drought, deforestation, or inappropriate agriculture.

Dear Super Cuz,

I hope you will taste the sweetest most wonderful pleasure of water soon.

You give so much kindness and love and that’s why people like you and love you.

I was surrounded by love and I could not see it for a very long time. It doesn’t feel obvious when the spiral drives you downward, where light is scarce and dim. I am stunned when I look back at how obvious it was that people cared about me. I was blind to it. Sometimes when I felt the love, I rejected it because I didn’t think I deserved it. I realize now that everyone deserves love.

You have a wife, a mother, and a sister who would move mountains to give you the love you deserve. You have a cult following among your whole family and everyone who knows you, they think the world of you, and they would be so sad if they heard that you are struggling.

For the intimate circle who do know you are struggling right now, no one thinks you deserve to be in the pain that you are dealing with. No one blames you, no one thinks it is your fault. But we do think it is your responsibility to overcome it. Isn’t that fair?

For some, the only thing they know that will prevent the unbearable heat of everyday life, as intolerable as that heat can be, is alcohol. They are in a desert. They are never going to find their oasis if they think the only way to quench their thirst is with alcohol. Alcohol may blur them into thinking they are okay, but they are driving themselves further and deeper into the desert.

If they are not searching for a glass of water, and drink from the cup of darkness instead, they will never find the oasis.

I have spent a lot of time in the darkness of the desert. If someone passes judgement on me and my darkness, I know that they do not understand the depths of life.

If a person has scraped at the bottom they join all the damaged souls that make up the camaraderie of brokenness. They are welcomed as a valued member of the rock bottom club. The person who knows what it is to hurt, can relate to anyone’s pain.

For those in the desert, take comfort, you will find your oasis, and you will never take for granted the beauty of this world again. That glass of water is going to not only quench your thirst, it is going open you up to experiencing true happiness to be alive. You will find love for yourself, love for your loved ones, and love for your place in the infinite universe that would not be infinite without you.

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” –Martin Luther King, Jr.

Need help…?

Knowledge and Self-Awareness

There is a problem

The first step toward recovery from alcoholism is the recognition that a problem exists. Once the problem drinker breaks through denial and admits to having a problem, a range of treatment options become available.

JEFFREY S. NEVID

There is a physical problem

To understand why alcoholism is a disease, it is important to know about the neurological effects of alcohol on the brain. Simply put, heavy drinking over time causes changes in neurotransmitter activity that the brain must adapt to. In people physically predisposed to alcoholism, this adaptation eventually turns into a fixed craving as the body finds it cannot live without the effects of alcohol. Something that started out voluntarily and enjoyable turns into something more serious–a physical dependence that can cause horrible withdrawel symptoms. This explains why alcoholics cannot just quit drinking like their nonaddicted counterparts can. Thus, it is not the behavior of drinking that is defined as an illness. It is only when the craving to drink becomes involuntary that alcoholism can be thought of as a disease.

MARIA GIFFORD

There is a life problem

One of the most important facts to remember about alcoholism is its progression. Alcoholism begins in an early stage that looks nothing at all like a life-threatening disease, proceeds into a middle stage where problems begin to appear and intensify, and gradually advances into the late, degenerative stages of obvious physiological dependence, physical and psychological deterioration, and loss of control.

WILLIAM F. ASBURY

What do they say?

“My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.”

–Mizuta Masahide (17th century Japanese poet and samurai)

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life“

– JK Rowlings

Good advice from people who know the struggle:

  • Get emotional support from a peer.
  • Develop effective strategies for behavior change.
  • Learn practical skills to manage your addiction.
  • Translate goals into action.
  • Address barriers holding you back.
  • Improve your relationships.
  • Get extra support after a setback.

Are you are having a setback?

After a relapse, a person’s support system—which might include their therapist, psychiatrist, family, friends, or sponsor—may advise them to enter a treatment program again. This is not a sign of weakness but a sign that they are ready to stand up again despite having stumbled. It’s not uncommon for people to experience repeated relapses—it can take numerous attempts to remain abstinent for life.

Some of the mental and emotional symptoms that may follow an alcohol relapse can make it difficult for a person to admit to a renewed need for treatment, including:

  • Denial. A person tries to convince themselves that they’re not stuck and in need of help. But admitting the need for help and getting it can reduce the stress and anxiety that tends to make the problem worse.
  • Thinking that treatment won’t work because they’re hopeless. They think thoughts such as, “What’s the point? Treatment obviously didn’t work last time or I wouldn’t have relapsed.” The skills learned in treatment are still valid, but a different approach might be needed.
  • Making excuses. This includes saying they don’t have the time or money even though they know nothing is more important than sobriety.
  • Giving in to feelings of depression. If a person berates themselves so much that they feel like everything is pointless, it’s the perfect time to go to treatment. There, they can gain a healthier perspective on the relapse and long-term recovery.

1500+

Since you have graced this world with your presence you have inspired and changed the lives of over 1500 fans and admirers!

99%

Your students have learned from your teaching as a professor. I think you are intelligent and brilliant. You have done a great job. Your students give you a 99% approval rate!

45

Year after year you have been there for us, we are here for you. Your loved ones are looking back over 45 consecutive years of love. We want to love you for another 45 years!

Are you satisfied spiritually? Do you feel connected to something larger than yourself? That might help! You are part of something bigger.

You are loved.
We support you.
We hope you feel better.

About Us

My super cousin is someone who I have been touched by deeply. He has been there for me throughout my own struggles, and I hope this gives back the love he has so openly given me.

The downward spiral has reached the bottom, now it is time to to spiral upwards. You have to let yourself go up.

All my love to you and yours, Super Cuz.

Love,

Peter

I am sorry

My cousin died today. The news was met with tears spilled by my father, my mother, and myself. We have been struggling to keep up our spirits in the midst of overwhelming evidence that he was throwing his life away because of his addiction to alcohol, and it was just that, a waste of a life, that is what we felt today. 

My aunt, my cousin’s mother, has a spirit of steel. She has anticipated the fate of her son for years, always waiting for the news that his suffering was over. However, my aunt’s suffering was not over, not nearly, but peace of mind was finally on the horizon. She yearned for a way to help her son who was in turmoil, but he lived abroad in Europe, she was living in the United States. 

What could she do? 

Would she finally be free of that awful near constant anxiety only felt by a mother? I can only hope that eventually she will be free from that horrible ever present worry anticipating the death of her son, knowing it would cause her total catastrophe.

My parents and I went to my aunt’s home after the news had spread to an inner circle. We were met there by a mother who is only beginning to fathom the pain that is in store for her. She seemed confused like she had not heard the news, it seemed like a case of shock. Was it steel nerves? Or not realizing her only son was never coming home for Christmas.

I sent this simple little blog to my cousin a few months before he died. I didn’t hear from him, and I didn’t expect to. I thought it might have made a little dent, and that would make it worth it. What is more likely is that he didn’t even recognize he had a problem. 

The world was unraveling all around him, he lost the love of his wife, he lost his job, he lost his friends, and he went to the hospital over and over again because he was having seizures, problems with his eyes, scrapes on his face from falling, and a near permanent hangover. He simply could not take care of himself, and his conclusion always was that he could manage if he drank moderately. That was his undoing…complete denial that he was an alcoholic despite how obvious the problem was to everyone around him.

What can you do for a loved one who is suffering from alcoholism?

Serve as a trampoline. The very last layer of support that will catch him. When he missteps from the tight wire he is trying to walk across while drunk and when he falls to the bottom. You are the last form of support that will spring him back to life and give him an opportunity to latch onto something, anything. Hopefully, that will give him purpose and motivate him so he does not fall again. Over and over it must be done, and even then, a life cannot be salvaged in the face of this terrible thing, this disease that has no cure.

My dad did not know my cousin very well, but he offered to fly to Europe from the United States to help my cousin get back on his feet. My dad found him passed out on his stomach covered in vomit in the home of his wife. She had finally had enough. She only gave up on him after years of trying to help him. Everyone who loved my cousin knew that his wife was practically a saint in how much she cared for him. No one blamed her when he was finally kicked out.

He was in no condition to take care of himself in her absence. So there was my dad showing up across the world and helping my cousin out of his house, trying to knock some sense into him (so to speak…my dad could not have been more gentle, kind, and supportive). From afar, the goal of our distant family team, which my dad was representing, was for my cousin to take some responsibility, which was essential to his survival since he was no longer dependent on his wife.

Only sad.

He died of sadness. The more sad he became the more alcohol he consumed, the more alcohol the more sadness, deeper and deeper until he finally died of his sadness, a downward spiral that never went up. 

What is sadness?

Being cut off from the world around you, there is the world and then there is you, and they’re not connected, you are not part of it, it does not include you. His lifeline was his wife, but she was not enough to prevent him from his sadness. She gave everything to him but my cousin’s “sad” was too great and his stints of drinking overcame the love between them. 

She had nothing left, what could she do? 

She was only giving her love, but unintentionally it was leading to the deep toxicity of his state of mind. She knew that and she had no choice but to cut him off. That was its own form of sadness, the severing of that tie that she hoped and hoped would be healed. Now an exponentially greater sadness overwhelms, when she learns that her husband died today. 

What is sadness?

It is a ricochet. One person cries out, and it sparks a sadness in all the people around you. Another sob of pain, and it sends waves of sadness to all in its vicinity, you cry, we all cry, and it just gets deeper and deeper, from a muffled squeak to a wail, it catches the emotions and amplifies them. Then it fades. 

Sometimes it takes a long time to fade, other times it is over and done with almost immediately. We have a great capacity to absorb strong feelings, and they never disappear, but usually we do not often experience that first wave of intensity ever again to the same degree. Life continues for people in the outer circles of influence and distant family connections, sometimes just as they were before. 

For others who are closer it is an irreversible impact, a before and after that defines the story and meaning of one’s life. This means a stamp of sadness will be imprinted on my aunt’s countenance, marks, lines, and physical traces of emotional pain. Sadness does not go away, it merely transforms into something else. It is to be found on the frowning resting face of the mother who got hurt the most.  

What is sadness?

Alcohol is a bittersweet substance that poisons the mind. If you hate your mind you can think of nothing better than to poison it, but it does not numb anything, it does not serve as a means to escape, it is an attack on your mental hardware that could not be any more painful, it feels like poison and it is poison and it is the only thing that you can do to shut down that sadness factory that overwhelms with such acute emotional pain for all that has gone wrong in your life. 

What is sadness?

There is nothing sadder than suicide, I think, at least one of the most sad ways of dying. Alcoholism in its most serious forms is a conscious decision to drink until death. Maybe it’s not a decision because my cousin was not conscious at all, but he certainly did not have a will to live, and I can only describe this variety of pain, which I think bears similarities to my own, as a sadness that was too great and that led to his suicide.

What is sadness?

Strangely, we do not always know how much we are loved. It is a form of sadness to cut yourself off from the warmth of loved ones. It’s a fireplace full of tender feelings, but we are not sitting next to it, we are so far from it in the opposite room, we feel only the cold. Sadness is an illusion that you are alone with your feelings, that other people cannot feel your pain. How wrong we are. 

How wrong was I? How wrong was my cousin? 

Sadly, most people do not recognize the extent of their positive influence on the world, and how devastated the world would be without you. 

I am sorry, cousin.

Love, 

Peter 

A missing higher power

Below is what I wanted to say to him before his death. I will never get another chance to say it. I can only speak for myself, but spirituality for me is the greatest comfort to a blazing hot mind frozen by alcohol, drugs, and depression. My supercuz was a staunch and obnoxious atheist, at least to me he was. His belief system focuses on doing all you can to not believe anything, which requires a lot of work. To me, such a philosophy of life seriously hinders your ability to make meaning in the world, and that is the greatest barrier to being happy. 

What follows is a little spiritual encouragement and a nudge in the direction of thinking about a higher power, a term often used in Alcoholics Anonymous, which my cousin scoffed at. Those meetings could have saved his life, if he wasn’t such a staunch and obnoxious atheist blowing off the concept of a Higher Power. 

You can tell that I am a little mad at him, we all are. 

Meaning making is hard, it is not your fault if you cannot find a meaning in your life, that isn’t your fault. But it is your responsibility, there is no one who can give to you what you must find for yourself.

I go on here to talk about a Higher Power, but it is so bittersweet for me, every line feels like I failed to reach him. 

You cannot spread religious feeling, that’s obviously obnoxious and awful. I wanted to share what spirituality meant for me in my own struggle, without making my cousin run away (I was an atheist once, I was deathly afraid of the idea of God, or Jesus for that matter). But, I want to go there, even though it has a low probability of resonating.

So, read on if you want one person’s opinion about hitting the rock bottom after a downward spiral. Admittedly my hope for my cousin did not turn into an upward spiral. I thought a glass of water and some pedantic advice would cure him. He probably thought I was so naive. He probably thought it was like someone telling him to take vitamins to resolve his mental illness. 

I just hope that this resonates for someone…

My life has been theatrical, composed of great dramatic moments, drama means descending to the depths and ascending to the heights. I am going to try to explain that there is the story that is ours to tell, and the deeper story that comes from your Higher Power. It involves the poetry of pain, the struggle of one’s life, and the eventual triumph over our hardship. No one’s life would be a very interesting story, if there was no struggle and hardship. A Higher Power helps us to process the pain, to make sense of it, so as to take our small struggle and connect it to something larger. 

What would your life be if it was all milk and honey? It is the profundity of the story, the extremes of positive and negative, that makes it compelling. 

Mental maelstroms are all consuming, can you think of anything else?

Depression pulls on the heart strings of all of us. It is a very sad story. There is meaning in it, it is not just mental disease, it is an expression of the most profound emotions we are capable of. It may seem cowardly or weak, but we know it is extremely challenging to live with. 

A question remains, “Why would a Higher Power ask anyone to endure such mental pain and addiction?”

That one was between my Higher Power and me. It felt like a slideshow in my mind of all the trials and tribulations I would face over the course of my life. 

It was clear it would be much easier to die now than endure all that I will face, all the mountains I would have to climb, the daily struggle just to get through one day at a time. That yearning for some semblance of meaning dissolved into a feeling that scared the shit out of me, and I second guessed myself…maybe I should do it. But a surge of fear of a bloody bathtub combined with a new courage to face my future, gave me the decision to live. My Higher Power told me, you deserve to live, you made the right choice.

I think of a Higher Power as a story, and that your Higher Power is a motivator. Fear deepens one’s soul, to overcome trials, and build the courage necessary to carry out one’s destiny. Yes, I believe you have a destiny even if you don’t personally think so. That lesson lasted me a long time. I am not a victim of everything that happened to me. I made a choice to live. These were the repercussions I agreed to face. It could be worse was the thought process that stayed with me in the bad moments. Was I ever supposed to take those scissors and go to work on my wrists? No, it was to prepare me for the onslaught of what was to come.

It was this erratic place in my mind where it happened. I was in outer space, on top of the world, in outer space, and it happened so fluidly that there was no fear, this time there was no fear. 

There I was in Louisville, living out the most unstable part of my imagination. At the greatest ledge of my life, with the farthest to fall, with the most insane consequences, and irreversible actions. I would not be able to get out of the bathtub this time. And this is the most difficult situation to explain…why would my Higher Power, if it exists, do this to someone, why would it do this to me? 

If I cannot explain it, I will not be able to go on living my life with some semblance of meaning. Without it there is no explanation other than my own insanity, proving that none of this has any logic, that it cannot be explained. Here I am, on that ledge, writing to save my life. Here we go…

I’ll bring forth an example…Jesus Christ (don’t be scared!). His name has spread across the world and his life is so inspiring that he drives martyrs to devoutly follow him and endure all kinds of torture to live up to his name. Those are the martyrs, but there are also so many common people in all kinds of pain in their lives who look to Jesus to save them. 

What makes Jesus so compelling to these people? 

Because Jesus knows how bad it can be. He knows what it is to be tortured. He knows what the rock bottom is, and no one has gotten even close to the pain inflicted upon him. Even more inspiring is that he walked into the pain, he chose it. He inspires all Christians to choose the pain in order to overcome it and save themselves for the divine. You don’t have to be a Christian to be inspired, other religious believers with all kinds of faith can find hope in his story, whether literally or figuratively. 

It didn’t come easily to believe in that, there was a great writhing of my soul leading up to the irreversible act. I was so wracked with anxiety that I vomited at a gas station where I called a taxi to go to the airport. I got there and the whole place was shut down, there was nobody, nobody who could help me. I was trying to run. I was trying to get it out of my head. I couldn’t escape it. I jumped and as I was in the air I found peace. 

That was my rock bottom that allowed me to be a part of the camaraderie of brokenness. Do you want to be on the team, cuz?

Now I can see that it was part of the profound poetry of the great drama of my life. My theatrical act was an example of how all of our little dramas are meaningful, to our lives and by extension, the lives of others. 

When I was in the mental hospital after that a few months later, I carried my burden to the lives of many patients, healing people with my stories of adversity, and they shared theirs, and we were all on the same level in that place, no one above or below anyone else.

I have gnarly scars from my broken neck, broken hips, collapsed lung, sliced wrists, and they are all scars that I have to prove it. I would have no ability to tell a 250 pound man threatening to strangle me, that they can be healed, that your Higher Power’s story includes him, and that like all of us we can triumph over our pain.

I like my story, I like the story my Higher Power gave me, it is rich and profound and complex, and involves great sweeping emotions. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Question: why would your Higher Power ask someone to kill themself? I Have to answer it or my whole life falls apart…

Gratitude. There are so many ways to lack appreciation for what you have, we can spend a lifetime coasting and never confronting the great emotions that make up our human soul. That is a gray life, but not a well-lived one. One tragedy is enough to make you value what you do have, you will find that your life is sweeter because of it. 

We carry our gift to mankind and we strive to live up to it, even in our small little ways.

I think your Higher Power goes deep because he wants you to be grateful, and not take things for granted. He wants me to know there are no guarantees to living one’s life. It is like missing a car crash that makes you feel lucky to be alive.

I’m not complaining, even though it might seem like I should, it is a lesson in humility and it is knowing that everything bad is good for you.

I know there’ll be more, and I will face those challenges with courage, leaning into it, not running from it, but confronting it with the least fear possible. If there is nothing good that can come from the bad, I still have faith. I have overcome many other jolting experiences with near death scenarios, that I triumphed over and became a stronger, more faithful, more grateful person. 

Question: why would your Higher Power ask someone to endure mental maelstroms over and over? I have to answer…

I don’t know, but connecting to a Higher Power, whatever form it takes, can provide meaning to our lives. It is a reflection of ourselves, and a companion for making sense of all the chaos that can cause us to unravel. It is a way of asking for help, like you helped me, cuz. 

I have always loved our relationship. We are both bat shit crazy. But despite that you are a good person, I am a good person. I am convinced that divine justice, or a whole lot of willpower will help us overcome the trials and tribulations, and become what we were always supposed to become…happy, and at peace with who we are.

And If we are lucky we understand it in retrospect. We all endure complicated grief in trying to understand the trauma of our everyday lives. Sometimes we never understand it, all we can do is maintain faith that it makes sense.

Losing a mother to cancer is a trauma we will never understand. One could spend a lifetime wondering why that happened. You have two options in such a scenario, to reject the idea of a Higher Power, because if there was one it would never let that tragedy happen. Or you can have faith that it happened that way, not for a reason, because it is something you may never understand, never know, but that you finally have to accept, coming to terms with trauma through the evolution of faith in your Higher Power over the course of one’s life. 

Poetry. Your Higher Power and you are the greatest storyteller and it is not about flowers, it is about the gut wrenching sublime phenomenon of pain and happiness, of hell and heaven, of hate and love. Your light shines through the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. Your sun is bright in moments illuminating everything, and then just as suddenly the sun goes black and you are shrouded. 

You might decide that your story is not meaningful, that it is a product of chance, nothing more than chaos, and ultimately just the result of mental illness. You can think that is true for yourself. But what do you think about me? Who is someone to tell me that my story is a random, chaotic instance of chance without any meaning at all? I take it to heart when people don’t have faith in me, you think my story is made up, you think my life can be reduced to a tragedy with pain that made no sense. 

Sometimes I share that point of view about myself in sad lonely moments. I ask myself am I crazy? 

How am I supposed to ask others to have faith in me if I don’t have faith in myself?

Faith comes and goes. It is impossible to live a faithful life without questioning your Higher Power’s story for them, even nuns, monks, and saints wonder what the point of it all is. Faith is a practice and we can get good at it, or we can let it go. If we are out of practice it might just turn into atrophy and we can feel very lost.

We may lose sight of someone else’s goodness, but again and again, we have to place faith in them, otherwise they will never attain faith in themselves, and the world will only get worse. All actions, even the worst ones, come from that person’s story. They wouldn’t do what they did if they were not led to it through the story that is their life. 

Do not let me go. I will never let go of you.

This is where my super cuz has gone [Home]

If you or someone you know is in a crisis, help is available. Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or chat online at 988lifeline.org. 

135 people take their own lives in the United States every day. 

For the size of the church I attend, that is a whole congregation of people that goes away every single day. 30 times that many make attempts. Countless others have imagined it or considered it. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States. Suicide affects people from every socioeconomic background, every age, race, or gender. 

For too long we have been complicit, fostering the shame that keeps people silent and drives them to imagine that they are beyond the love and grace of God–that has to end!

No one should worry that thoughts about ending your life push you further away from GOd–from God or from your church. Everyone can cry out to GOd. We need to be willing to hear that cry as well and learn what to do when we hear it. But God does hear your call and calls you back to life and to a new purpose with new people.

People of a church need to make sure we are not putting up extra barriers. It’s hard to know what a person needs–we may feel scared, uncomfortable, awkward bringing it up. Our discomfort will always be less than that person who is reaching out. 

“I have done everything wrong and no one listens to me, I’m all alone, people hate me.”

We need to be the messengers/angels/friends that help draw folks feeling isolated back into life–anything to get them out of their cave, straighten their resolve to begin again. 

So weighted down by the pain of the world or by their own private struggles, that they consider ending their lives. Too often they keep that struggle to themselves either from shame or a feeling of disconnection–feeling like it won’t matter to anyone.

For those who live in a land of deep darkness, light can shine–even in a midnight of fear and uncertainty. Are the people we’re talking about capable of hearing and taking in a joyous message from GOd? If they are in their own valley of the shadow of death…is hope a step too far for them? The light shining in the darkness could be blinding and expose the imperfections that dimness conceals, making them turn away.

We are walking in the dark bumping around. Others are out in the dark trying to hide from monsters lying in wait around the corner. They are doing an exhausting workout that takes them in and out of the very shadow of death begging for the light to turn back on so they can find their way through the dangers they are facing. 

All of us are walking through the darkness with the light of God’s promise of peace and justice and righteousness–ever before us. Sometimes that light is strong enough to keep us moving forward but other days the shadow of death looms closer and closer, deeper and deeper. On those days when we feel under siege it may be hard to hear/take in words of hope and possibility. But even though we can’t see the light doesn’t mean people aren’t lighting candles for you.

Just who is it exactly who tells people who are vulnerable to suck it up and ride things out?

How do you take a stand when your back is already against a wall?

When it looks like all is lost and hope has been gone for a long time we still have a reason to keep breathing and moving and advocating and protesting and declaring that things could be different than they are.

In the end, all we can do is dance with the dark…together we can make things brighter and brighter for all of us, but especially for those who struggle alone.